In love with Chocolate...

Chocolate, was the perfect name for you. You lived up to it to the T. You were brown and sweet and put a smile on anyone’s face you knew. We have had many dogs, but you were the best of them all. You were kind, gentle, loving and you made “dad” fall in love with you, which is a big big deal since you are the only dog he’s ever loved. I am stubborn and hard headed, Chinnu is arrogant and impatient, but you, you were the good one of the family, the special one. Mom and dad were always so proud of you.

I cannot believe you are gone, Choco. I will miss your furry four legs bounding down the stairs when you hear me come home, I will miss the look on your face that said “What! You are leaving! So soon.. noooooo, come here I will lick you some more”. I will miss kissing your stupid lil button nose every time I left the house. And I will miss telling everyone what a weirdly great “vegetarian loving” dog you are! The pigeons and crows who ate from your bowl (and you patiently let them eat to their fill) now hanker around looking for you.

I can still feel the soft velvet of your paw, the tickle of whiskers, that warm rasp of tongue as you decided I needed a bath. I miss the gentle rumble of your purr, the comfort of snuggle times, the silkiness of your fur. Here I sit looking at pictures of you, and then remember how you hated a bath, that you loved tomatoes, and boiled vegetables was your idea of heaven. I just can’t get you out of my head. I feel the tears start, and I try to tell myself that you're okay. Yes, I say, there are warm breezes, sunshine, butterflies, and green grass where you are. The other dogs are there with you, so you're not completely alone, wandering and wondering. I hope you're running through the water you so dearly loved to play in here. 

If I could, I would reverse time, so we could once again share the happiness and love. I wish you had stayed till little Ks were born. I always wondered how you would behave with the babies around. You would be the perfect godmother, protecting them and letting them sleep on your belly and pull your tail. They would have grown to love dogs and you would be their first love. I can barely see through my tears to write this. You brought light, life and joy to me. I cherish the memories of your love and trust. One day, we will all be together in the sunshine, warm breezes, and green meadows. Until that time, you are missed....and loved....always loved.

This is for you:

Remember the time when you were so small
you couldn't even pick up the rubber ball.
You fought that ball from morning to night
it made us laugh, you were quite a sight.

Remember teaching you to sit and stay
we had such fun since you didn't really obey.
But you kept at it with test after test
and proved to us that you were the best.

Remember the great times we had in the past
like when we played hide-n-seek on the terrace, we had a blast.
We'd run and play all through the noon
until the sun went down and it always got dark so soon.

We'll always love you; you were our best friend
we’ll be right with you even to the end.
Always remember the great times we had
and there will be no reason to ever be sad.

P.S: Rest in peace Choco, no more pain.

Marry-Go-Round-5 : Dreams

We like to think we're fearless, eager to explore unknown lands and soak up new experiences, but the fact is, we're always terrified. Maybe the terror is part of the attraction. Some people go to horror movies. Dive into dark water. And at the end of the day, isn't that what you'd rather to hear about? Slow rides make for boring stories. A little calamity. Now that's worth talking about.

Like me, I always thought weddings were fun, with some music, lovely food, good friends, everyone making merry, dancing, and laughing. Well, what I did not consider was the extent of calamity involved! Make-up, pujas, crazy aunts, even crazier grandmothers, friends hovering around to make you beautiful, high heels, back ache, loss of appetite, stupid arguments, clash of cultures… phew! The list is endless! It takes you a week to recover from a two hour ceremony and a 5 hour reception. 

The real fun kicks in post the wedding. Adjusting to being the new person in the house. Being the only coffee drinker in the family. Learning to pick up your own coffee cup. Pressing your own clothes. Not screaming at anyone because you cannot find your own hairpins. Giving up the TV remote (forever). Sharing your bed. Coordinating loo timings. Keeping everything in your room spic and span (yourself!). Not throwing tantrums whenever you feel like. Being in a good mood all the time because 5 other people will be worried if you are grumpy. Most of all missing everyone and everything at home like hell. Getting confused about which house to call your home.        

But, there is always the bright side. 

Married life is good especially if you wake up and are asked ‘You want to sleep for some more time?’ Snuggle and go back to sleep. Discovering that hugs are romantic. Extremely romantic. Feeling proud because for once in your life you served tea to someone else. Learning to cook. So many more people to talk to. Speaking broken Tamil and being the laughing stock of the house. Impromptu dance sessions. Sitting on the terrace with Boxer on those quite evenings. A mother-in-law who forces my father-in-law to pluck fresh Khus-Khus from the tree every morning because I love them. A sister-in-law who is this constantly chattering lil’ sister I never had. And a Grandmother-in-law who is always on a mission to feed me with everything she finds!

Married life is good. Very good. How often does someone get to wake up with a person you love so much. Someone you love in a really, really big “pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the best piece of chocolate cake, sit with you the whole time when you are sick, forget everything when you smile, wake up early in the morning just to make you tea” kind of way. 

P.S: Dreams. They all come true. In some weird twist of fate. They all come true.

Marry-Go-Round-4 : The welled up eyes

“Marriage can give one the deepest, happiest moments of life. And that's one of the reasons God created it. It was part of God's "Happiness Plan."

Marriage is the “Happiness Plan”, the WEDDING is the last blow at your sanity! 

K’s household reminds me of a quake and tsunami battered Japan home. Stuff strewn around, people you barely know walking around in all splendor. A fat aunt who can think of nothing but how she can look even more pretty (by borrowing all of K’s sparse cosmetics) A grandmother who thinks her only job is to peck at K’s bones with all the “do not wear shorts in the house, you are getting married, why do you go to the parlor when the haldi you’ve put is enough, do you speak to your fiancé? Don’t! Why do you laugh so much? Do not show your teeth while you smile. Don’t wax, hair is necessary to look innocent (yuck). Why do you diet, fat around the waist is necessary for a girl (no wonder my granddad took the jolly ride early)” Bah! Crazy. If you find an old lady choked to death with leftover face wash and scrub, you know whom to blame. 

K’s life has never been so upside down! So much to shop, so much to buy, so much to do, so many fights to finish, so many arguments to calm, it’s almost like the day is never enough. In this entire melee, I never got to contemplate the gnawing numbing feeling spreading all over. Everyone one asks me “How’s the wedding preparation going?” and I can think of a list of undone stuff at the back of my head! Some people ask me “Your big day is approaching, how are you feeling? Ready for marriage?” and I end up mumbling something like “The feeling has not sunk in yet”. 

The fact is I had my first “sleepless night”, the feeling is sinking in alright, sinking in like it’ll take me with it... No one is noticing anyone’s feelings anymore; it is like a big fat Mela. It is 2 days to go, 2 days for me to shift into a whole new world. Everyone knows it and expresses it so differently. My dad tucks me in for a minute longer every night now just because he cannot do it 2 days later. My brother and me have longer conversations before we fall asleep, my mom yells a little more because she never has and never will be able to express herself to me. I cuddle and play with Chocó little more because she won’t be wagging her tail and waiting for me to come home from work every evening anymore. I now notice the color of my pillow (it has always been blue with yellow sunflowers) somehow I hadn’t noticed it before. I pull up the blanket and snuggle up a minute more just because I will miss the familiar smell of the blanket. Though I am moving just 5 mins from home, I am still moving from “home”. 

I won’t be looking up at the balcony and waving “bye” like a crazy woman, a zillion times before I start my bike and ride off to work every morning. My dad will not be able to ask me if I want coffee a zillion times every single morning (I stopped drinking coffee almost a year ago). I won’t hear the familiar “kav, kaaaaaaaaaaaaav” for every tiny doubt that pops in my brother’s head. 

Of all the people screaming and yelling and annoying me now, the calmest of them all is Dad, hurting inside to let me go yet doing everything he can, to ensure I have the best wedding and marry me off to someone I love.

So Daddy, here is my attempt at letting you know why you matter as much as you do. It is simple, really. Despite my annoyed cries telling you that I am now a grown up and can take decisions on my own, despite my repeated hanging up of calls saying you don’t need to tell me what to do, despite the fact I refuse to answer with a simple yes when you ask me if I’ve had lunch every single day, fact is, I have no clue what I would do without you. 

Accept it Dad, I need attention. All of it, from everybody. So if I get hurt, and I cry, it will be more so that those who matter come over to console me, than for the actual pain. The attention will not reduce the pain, but it definitely feels good to be in the spotlight. You happen to be the one patient soul, who knows this fact for the past 24 years, and still refuses to ignore it. My need for attention that is. Why exactly do you think that I spend hours abusing the crap out of all those who annoy me, knowing very well, that you probably don’t even know who they are? Because I know, that you will get bugged with them too. Probably more than I am. 

You are also my jhola for putting away my worries. It sounds duh I know, but all those times I call just to ask if things will be ok? Well, it’s not that I need reassurance, it’s some baseless belief I always had, that if I parked the worry with you, it will fix itself. Actually, it is not baseless, it is totally based on historical evidence. Which proves itself right time and again. And so you remain my official worry-resolver even today.

I know I am not always the best daughter. Oh come on, I am always the bad daughter. I call you and scream when I am bugged with the work people, I don’t respond to all your calls asking me if I am fine, I cry and blame you for all that you wife does to me! But you always listen. And when I hang up, you always call back. I think it is the belief that you will do all of these that makes me take these liberties. Not that it is an excuse, but still. 

That being said, I really think you’re awesome. You ensured that I had an awesome childhood. I can’t think of one single time where I thought I did not have enough. You supported me through each and every decision I ever took, sometimes even the bad ones, and then convinced me that it was not my fault after all. You are always there when I need you, and now very calmly, you are letting me go, as if it were the most natural thing to do. 

Of everything I will ever miss after marriage, you will be the biggest. Because irrespective of what happens you will still be my superman and I will always be your “lil’ girl”

P.S: The Gowda house is mad (the Mudhaliyars house seems like such a fairy land in comparison) and yet, I will miss this crazy mad house in all its charm and glory. 

P.P.S: I love the Gowdas. Yes, I accept it, I do. They are insane, irrational, stewpid, mad and crazy but they are mine.

Te Amo...

It’s not been long since I told you how I feel, somehow, I think my love borders on obsession and that being “good” obsession.The long drives. The mini vacations. The routine weekdays. The too-short weekends. The Sunday afternoon picnics. The movie marathons. Namdhari salads. Walking around malls. Food World shopping. The trip to Coorg. Early morning walk to the river bed. Dancing to Bollywood music. Drinking and giggling about nothing. Our songs, my tune and your lyrics. Mush flicks. Action movies. You trying to watch 27 dresses. Me trying to understand cricket. The numerous juices at the juice shop. Walking in that dark street talking about each others day. Crazy workouts together in the gym. Talking about diet. Getting drenched in the rain. Gazing at the city lights.

It’s been fun. It’s been awesome. It’s been crazy. And just like that, it’s been well over 12years years. And somehow, it doesn’t seem to be that big a deal. There is so much more to come, so much more to do, and so much more to look forward to. I guess this is just the beginning after all.

P.S: Needless to say, with you, I’m one helluva happy person :)

♬...Love happens once, the rest is just life...♬

Sitting in a BMTC bus at 8.00a.m in the morning, watching the world go by… not a perfect setting for writing your heart out… yet… when it comes to love… the brain shuts down and my tiny lil heart does most of the thinking... a barrage of questions and yet it all makes perfect sense...

Is it love when you start missing mushy mobile calls saying I love you at odd hours? Is it love when the ego inflates to such imposable proportions that you actually start hurting because you want to be with them but you can’t? Is it love when you pamper your sweetheart more during times she hurts or when she treats you like a kid while handling all your mood swings? Is it love when you love them the most when they deserve it the least because that’s when they need you the most? Is it love when you feel alone in a crowd when he’s not around? Is it love when the heartbreaks move beyond immeasurable proportions of anger and resentment or when spells of heart glue them together? Is it love when even the thought of his messed up hair in the morning makes you start writing romantic poetry? Is it love when it becomes sweetest of all sensations or is it when it becomes rarest of all relations? Is it love when you think of them from the lounge rooms of your home to the boardrooms of your office? Is it love when you start believing the nutcases around you? Is it love when you watch him gasping in delight and bask in delirium? Is it love when you ache for him when you see other couples holding hands? Is it love when it breaks relationships in life or when it creates newer pastures of companionship? Is it love when its enigmatic nature makes you go through the ups and downs on your heart's smooth surface? Is it love when it brings the smiles across all our faces or is it when it streaks the tear down our cheeks? Is it love when you are being so purposefully cryptic to safeguard details or when you want to scream out the secret in the open?

P.S: As the final quest begins in answering all these questions one by one, as the mystery unfolds in front of all of us, and as life throws surprises every now and then, we realize among all these emotional roller coaster rides of life and relationships, that, Love is always there, in some cute corner, waiting to be found!