Thursday, April 21, 2011

Marry-Go-Round-4 : The welled up eyes

“Marriage can give one the deepest, happiest moments of life. And that's one of the reasons God created it. It was part of God's "Happiness Plan."

Marriage is the “Happiness Plan”, the WEDDING is the last blow at your sanity! 

K’s household reminds me of a quake and tsunami battered Japan home. Stuff strewn around, people you barely know walking around in all splendor. A fat aunt who can think of nothing but how she can look even more pretty (by borrowing all of K’s sparse cosmetics) A grandmother who thinks her only job is to peck at K’s bones with all the “do not wear shorts in the house, you are getting married, why do you go to the parlor when the haldi you’ve put is enough, do you speak to your fianc√©? Don’t! Why do you laugh so much? Do not show your teeth while you smile. Don’t wax, hair is necessary to look innocent (yuck). Why do you diet, fat around the waist is necessary for a girl (no wonder my granddad took the jolly ride early)” Bah! Crazy. If you find an old lady choked to death with leftover face wash and scrub, you know whom to blame. 

K’s life has never been so upside down! So much to shop, so much to buy, so much to do, so many fights to finish, so many arguments to calm, it’s almost like the day is never enough. In this entire melee, I never got to contemplate the gnawing numbing feeling spreading all over. Everyone one asks me “How’s the wedding preparation going?” and I can think of a list of undone stuff at the back of my head! Some people ask me “Your big day is approaching, how are you feeling? Ready for marriage?” and I end up mumbling something like “The feeling has not sunk in yet”. 

The fact is I had my first “sleepless night”, the feeling is sinking in alright, sinking in like it’ll take me with it... No one is noticing anyone’s feelings anymore; it is like a big fat Mela. It is 2 days to go, 2 days for me to shift into a whole new world. Everyone knows it and expresses it so differently. My dad tucks me in for a minute longer every night now just because he cannot do it 2 days later. My brother and me have longer conversations before we fall asleep, my mom yells a little more because she never has and never will be able to express herself to me. I cuddle and play with Choc√≥ little more because she won’t be wagging her tail and waiting for me to come home from work every evening anymore. I now notice the color of my pillow (it has always been blue with yellow sunflowers) somehow I hadn’t noticed it before. I pull up the blanket and snuggle up a minute more just because I will miss the familiar smell of the blanket. Though I am moving just 5 mins from home, I am still moving from “home”. 

I won’t be looking up at the balcony and waving “bye” like a crazy woman, a zillion times before I start my bike and ride off to work every morning. My dad will not be able to ask me if I want coffee a zillion times every single morning (I stopped drinking coffee almost a year ago). I won’t hear the familiar “kav, kaaaaaaaaaaaaav” for every tiny doubt that pops in my brother’s head. 

Of all the people screaming and yelling and annoying me now, the calmest of them all is Dad, hurting inside to let me go yet doing everything he can, to ensure I have the best wedding and marry me off to someone I love.

So Daddy, here is my attempt at letting you know why you matter as much as you do. It is simple, really. Despite my annoyed cries telling you that I am now a grown up and can take decisions on my own, despite my repeated hanging up of calls saying you don’t need to tell me what to do, despite the fact I refuse to answer with a simple yes when you ask me if I’ve had lunch every single day, fact is, I have no clue what I would do without you. 

Accept it Dad, I need attention. All of it, from everybody. So if I get hurt, and I cry, it will be more so that those who matter come over to console me, than for the actual pain. The attention will not reduce the pain, but it definitely feels good to be in the spotlight. You happen to be the one patient soul, who knows this fact for the past 24 years, and still refuses to ignore it. My need for attention that is. Why exactly do you think that I spend hours abusing the crap out of all those who annoy me, knowing very well, that you probably don’t even know who they are? Because I know, that you will get bugged with them too. Probably more than I am. 

You are also my jhola for putting away my worries. It sounds duh I know, but all those times I call just to ask if things will be ok? Well, it’s not that I need reassurance, it’s some baseless belief I always had, that if I parked the worry with you, it will fix itself. Actually, it is not baseless, it is totally based on historical evidence. Which proves itself right time and again. And so you remain my official worry-resolver even today.
I know I am not always the best daughter. Oh come on, I am always the bad daughter. I call you and scream when I am bugged with the work people, I don’t respond to all your calls asking me if I am fine, I cry and blame you for all that you wife does to me! But you always listen. And when I hang up, you always call back. I think it is the belief that you will do all of these that makes me take these liberties. Not that it is an excuse, but still. 

That being said, I really think you’re awesome. You ensured that I had an awesome childhood. I can’t think of one single time where I thought I did not have enough. You supported me through each and every decision I ever took, sometimes even the bad ones, and then convinced me that it was not my fault after all. You are always there when I need you, and now very calmly, you are letting me go, as if it were the most natural thing to do. 

Of everything I will ever miss after marriage, you will be the biggest. Because irrespective of what happens you will still be my superman and I will always be your “lil’ girl”

P.S: The Gowda house is mad (the Mudhaliyars house seems like such a fairy land in comparison) and yet, I will miss this crazy mad house in all its charm and glory. 

P.P.S: I love the Gowdas. Yes, I accept it, I do. They are insane, irrational, stewpid, mad and crazy but they are mine.

7 comments:

  1. Oh my gawd!!....i had tears in my eyes after reading this!.....i don wana leave home ever bbwwaaaaaahhh!!

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  2. awww this was so emotional...It was so easy to relate to it ...it was like u were telling my story too...All the best for your wedding...lots of good wishes..love ...care ......I wish you guys have a amazing and awesome life ahead...God bless u both!.....love u lotts khachu..........

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  3. Finallee feelings r pouring out :) Kavv just enjoy this weird phase of life the way it comes as these will be the moments which will be cherished in years to come:)

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  4. shit..!! got tears in my eyes..all de fact wich happens in each n every gurl in de whole world..bt u wer de oly one who expressed it ..nice nice..happy wedding dear

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  5. Dis 1 is da best.....i loved it....so many emotions at once....jst love da part where u talk abt ur dad....Have an awesome life ahead :) :)

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  6. No words left. Just want to say be a writter.
    Gud luck

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